Mom to Mom

I was on the subway the other day, riding alone = sans child, and noticed a woman struggling to get on with a huge stroller (like one of those super duper jogging strollers) and a gigantic suitcase. Lucky for her, someone (another mom) grabbed her suitcase and helped her get on the subway. She said thank you to the other mom and sighed. She looked tired, worn, beat. I empathized with her. She stretched her back backwards a few times, as if she was in a bit of pain. I'm sure pushing the ginormous stroller and suitcase through the subway station that morning was a pretty intense workout for her, for anyone. After stretching a couple more times, she reached over to the front of the stroller and said to her little girl (probably 1.5 years old), "Give mommy the keys sweetie." The little girl was playing with what appeared to be her house keys. The little girl said no, and pulled the keys further away from her mother's reach. The woman sighed and retreated behind the stroller. She looked up, defeated. I smiled empathetically. I have been there. As the subway approached the next stop the woman stood up taller and tried to gather her belongings. She struggled to push the stroller forward, while wheeling the suitcase from behind her. It was then that I noticed the big, gleaming rock on her left ring finger and paused. Any instinct to "feel sorry" for her evaporated. Yes, I empathized with her. But I didn't need to feel sorry for her.

My Heart

My heart: Sebastian. I love this little person so enormously so. I, or rather, we, have been having a difficult time lately. Separation anxiety. This little face here has been crying his eyes out and yelling "mama!" everytime I leave him. Heartbreaking. Really. An awful feeling for a working mother. I mean, I HAVE to go to work. It's just my munchkin and I. No one else to pay our bills and support us. I have to go. But look at this face. Isn't he the cutest? Wouldn't you try to never leave this little boy's side? ::sigh:: That's how I feel...every day. And yet almost every day, I have to leave him behind while I commute myself right into the city, to work. I had heard that right around the two year mark separation anxiety occurs. And yet, I was extremely surprised when it happened. Sebastian has been in daycare since he was 7 months old. That's more than a year now. And he never cries when I leave him at school. He, since the beginning, would just smile and wave. To suddenly experience him clinging on to my leg for dear life and chanting my name (mama, of course) made me tear up. I started to contemplate quitting work again (like when I came back from maternity leave). What would I have done to pay bills? Well, good question. Guess I didn't get that far in my thought process. But just as surprised as I was to witness Sebastian freak out when I had to leave him at school the past two weeks, I was even more surprised when suddenly both yesterday and today, he did the opposite. He smiled, waved and said "Bye bye, Mama." What? I stopped. I looked around. Was this a trick? Was he letting me go that easily? I smiled back. Said "Bye Baby." Kissed him on the forehead and slowly, quiety, started to walk towards the front door, holding breath, waiting for the sound of  his footsteps behind me. There were none. I reached the front door of the center, turned to peak at him and there he was, sitting contently with his buddies, eating his cheerios. Ok, this is good. Right? Right, I told myself as I walked to the bus stop feeling a mixture of relief and disappointment. Hmmmm.

Sebastian's Mom

I've been thinking a lot lately, about how wonderfully special it is to be Sebastian's mom. Initially, hearing someone refer to me as Sebastian's mom had a weird effect on me. I would immediately long for my old self, the me before being, simply put, knocked up. But something happened this second year as Sebastian's mom. An extremely rewarding feeling of pride now comes over me every time I hear someone say Sebastian's mom. And oddly, the other day at his school, when Izzie's mom (who I have known now for over a year) asked me what my name is, and introduced herself as Lea, I felt a little lopsided, a bit unbalanced. I no longer cared to be April. I no longer cared to know that Izzie's mom was Lea. All that mattered, and all that seems to continue to matter, is being Sebastian's mom. A mom to such a silly, active, happy, eager, bouncy little boy. My love for this little curly-topped boy, who cheered and pointed and bounced around excitedly this a.m. while we strolled through Times Square, is immeasurable. Being Sebastian's mom has become bigger and greater than any duty, job, role, responsiblity, I could ever undertake. This one position, as Sebastian's mom, outdoes everything. I once (or maybe several times) said (pre-baby) "I never want to be known as just someone's mom, I want to be more than that." A fool said those words. A naive girl who had no idea how big and proud an accomplishment being Sebastian's mom would be. So instead of reminiscing and wishing I was that girl again, I'm finally at a place in my single mamahood life where I can honestly say I'm content that I will never be that person again. That I am now, a new, better, wiser, stronger, more experienced person. And I'm so darn happy to be known as Sebastian's mom.

Single Mama Raising a Boy

It's an interesting thing, raising a boy solo, as a girl. I find myself wondering if it's okay that my son mimics me and wants to do things because I do them. For example, I find myself saying things like "Look Bubba, Mama has jeans. Sebastian has jeans." Or "You have cool sneakers like mama's sneakers." These statements seem to work to get him to want to wear his jeans or put his shoes on right then and there. He wants to be like Mama. And why shouldn't he? Right? Right?

This morning my son grabbed my blush brush and started putting bronzer on my face. It was cute, harmless. He was merely copying something he's seen me do every morning before we leave for school/work. He wanted to be helpful. He then grabbed my bracelets and put them on his little arm and held his arms up at waist level so they wouldn't dangle off. Extremely cute. The other day he tried to put my earrings on. They wouldn't stay, obviously, because he doesn't have his ears pierced. I don't mind that my son does these things. I know it's done out of simple curiousity and because this is what he's surrounded by at home, with me; only me. But I do wonder, what happens as he gets older and starts to see more boy-like things from others, from school mates. How will he learn to do "those" types of things well, when I may not be able to teach him (i.e. tie a tie, the rules of football)? Will he be well rounded enough? I do wonder about these things. But I don't dwell too much...or at least I try not to. After all, today after he put on my bronzer and eventually gave me back my bracelets, he ran to get his basketball and started bouncing it and throwing it around the hallway, laughing harmoniously each time it bounced against the air conditioner vent...leaving me standing there thinking "oh yes, I have a boy, alright."

19 Months

To: My Little Cub

20 months you turned on Saturday! Oh my, oh my, oh my. You seem to be passing me by! It's nutty how we adults stay the same but you wee ones spurt and learn a tremendous amount in the interim. Your size 18-24 pants are now extremely short on you. Your size 8 sneakers are snug.

This past month you really mastered jumping and climbing. You can walk up and down stairs pretty well now too. You had a couple of bad falls but you were a trooper. You are getting quite used to picking yourself right back up after a boo-boo. A tough little guy you are. Although, you are quite the dare devil too. That of course frightens me so. This past weekend you flipped your little couch upside down and pushed your little rocking bike over the side and proceeded to climb onto the bike to rock uphill!

You now say:  bubbles, titi, bye, go, cheers, up and down and 1 full sentence: I want that! Of course that would be your first sentence. You are a smart, ardent little one. You yell mama with so much fervor in your voice. It makes my heart smile.

This a.m. I heard you get scolded from the down the hall...followed by the sound of pitter patter rushing closer to me and then there you were hugging my legs. I appreciate that you acknowledge me as your protector...because I am; now and forever.

You can now open and close all the doors in the house with ease! Even the front door. This of course makes me extremely nervous.

A yucky thing you did this month: Dip your toothbrush in the toilet and proceed to brush your teeth! Sorry I didn't catch you in time!

Oh my beautiful boy. Mama loves you so...I thought I would miss the little wee baby you once were but I love you too much to miss anything about the past. I'm filled with so much love and pride today that yesterday doesn't matter. You keep me happy and hopeful about our future; about looking forward to your next big step.

Loving you dearly,

Mama Bear

When Grandma Comes to Visit

My Grandmother that is. Sebastian's Great Grandmother. She is in town from Puerto Rico and staying with us for a week or so. How special is it that my son gets to meet and hang with his Great Grandparents?! (A great thing about having young parents and young grandparents.)

There are several wonderful things about having Grandma over, let me share a few:

1. We get cafe con leche (me) and avena (Sebastian, the upstairs cousins and I) in the am before leaving the house to school and work! Yummy! Nothing like Grandma's good ol' fashioned oatmeal! There is something to her rendition of regular oatmeal that just never tastes the same made by anyone else. After a few days of this, Sebastian began heading straight to the kitchen upon waking up!

2. Our house feels like a full house...with a full family. I like my quiet time and I love my duo but there is something nice to be said about the feeling of a bustling house. It's warm and cozy in a different way. Neither being the better way - just different, nice.

3. There's another person to kiss goodnight before going to bed.

4. My bed is made when I get home from work. I don't know why it is but I am not a making the bed type of person. I'm just not. I make sure the house is always neat and tidy; but making the bed is never on my list. It's just something that doesn't bother me. But it must bother my grandma because everyday this week I've come home to my bed made up.

5. When my son falls and gets a boo-boo - the old school, Puerto Rican remedies come into play and save the day! Tuesday Sebastian fell pretty hard...tripped and hit the side of his forehead. A pretty bad bang. Red, scraped, bruised, bumpy. I thought for sure he'd wear the proof for a couple of weeks. But Grandma rubbed some butter and salt on the boo-boo and by the following day it was almost gone! Old wives tale maybe, but today, 4 days later, there is no sign of his boo-boo!

You have to love familia!

That Sunday Kind of Love

Sunday my munchkin and I went to Gymboree. It was a perfect day. The sun was out and shining bright. Sebastian and I were up early and in good spirits. We dressed in our comfy, cas, Sunday wear (Him in windbreaker pants and a Knicks T; Me in black leggings and a long sleeve T.) We had our sneakers on, our bag packed with snacks and a couple of cars and off we went to try a new Gymboree location in Jersey City. 

We found parking around the corner and right in front of a bakery and toy shop. It turned out to be a small class of 3, so Sebastian had the chance to run and explore as much as possible in the playspace. He climbed, he jumped, he rocked, he played basketball and climbed through the tunnels. This of course meant: I climbed, I jumped, I rocked, I played basketball and helped my munchkin climb through tunnels. It was an active morning! And it felt great!

We left the class, hand in hand and walked over to the bakery and toy shop. I couldn't resist. We walked around and I immediately wished I could buy everything in the store. Sebastian must have wished for the same thing because he immediately ran over to a little munchkin size shopping cart and starting putting trucks and cars into the cart! (Do I need to tell you that it wasn't easy getting Sebastian to leave the toy shop?) A couple of cries, a few kicks and we managed to leave the toy shop without having to file bankrupcy. We went into the bakery for some after breakfast snacks and sat outside at one of their cafe tables, sipping a latte (me) and eating yogurt (Seb), while we waved and said hello to a nearby dog. Ahhh. A nice, simple, Sunday afternoon, at an outdoor cafe with my munchkin.

We arrived home just in time for nap time with me feeling proud and accomplished. I was proud of our little duo. We make a good team, my son and I; making me happier than mere words can describe. :)