My Heart

My heart: Sebastian. I love this little person so enormously so. I, or rather, we, have been having a difficult time lately. Separation anxiety. This little face here has been crying his eyes out and yelling "mama!" everytime I leave him. Heartbreaking. Really. An awful feeling for a working mother. I mean, I HAVE to go to work. It's just my munchkin and I. No one else to pay our bills and support us. I have to go. But look at this face. Isn't he the cutest? Wouldn't you try to never leave this little boy's side? ::sigh:: That's how I feel...every day. And yet almost every day, I have to leave him behind while I commute myself right into the city, to work. I had heard that right around the two year mark separation anxiety occurs. And yet, I was extremely surprised when it happened. Sebastian has been in daycare since he was 7 months old. That's more than a year now. And he never cries when I leave him at school. He, since the beginning, would just smile and wave. To suddenly experience him clinging on to my leg for dear life and chanting my name (mama, of course) made me tear up. I started to contemplate quitting work again (like when I came back from maternity leave). What would I have done to pay bills? Well, good question. Guess I didn't get that far in my thought process. But just as surprised as I was to witness Sebastian freak out when I had to leave him at school the past two weeks, I was even more surprised when suddenly both yesterday and today, he did the opposite. He smiled, waved and said "Bye bye, Mama." What? I stopped. I looked around. Was this a trick? Was he letting me go that easily? I smiled back. Said "Bye Baby." Kissed him on the forehead and slowly, quiety, started to walk towards the front door, holding breath, waiting for the sound of  his footsteps behind me. There were none. I reached the front door of the center, turned to peak at him and there he was, sitting contently with his buddies, eating his cheerios. Ok, this is good. Right? Right, I told myself as I walked to the bus stop feeling a mixture of relief and disappointment. Hmmmm.

Sebastian's Mom

I've been thinking a lot lately, about how wonderfully special it is to be Sebastian's mom. Initially, hearing someone refer to me as Sebastian's mom had a weird effect on me. I would immediately long for my old self, the me before being, simply put, knocked up. But something happened this second year as Sebastian's mom. An extremely rewarding feeling of pride now comes over me every time I hear someone say Sebastian's mom. And oddly, the other day at his school, when Izzie's mom (who I have known now for over a year) asked me what my name is, and introduced herself as Lea, I felt a little lopsided, a bit unbalanced. I no longer cared to be April. I no longer cared to know that Izzie's mom was Lea. All that mattered, and all that seems to continue to matter, is being Sebastian's mom. A mom to such a silly, active, happy, eager, bouncy little boy. My love for this little curly-topped boy, who cheered and pointed and bounced around excitedly this a.m. while we strolled through Times Square, is immeasurable. Being Sebastian's mom has become bigger and greater than any duty, job, role, responsiblity, I could ever undertake. This one position, as Sebastian's mom, outdoes everything. I once (or maybe several times) said (pre-baby) "I never want to be known as just someone's mom, I want to be more than that." A fool said those words. A naive girl who had no idea how big and proud an accomplishment being Sebastian's mom would be. So instead of reminiscing and wishing I was that girl again, I'm finally at a place in my single mamahood life where I can honestly say I'm content that I will never be that person again. That I am now, a new, better, wiser, stronger, more experienced person. And I'm so darn happy to be known as Sebastian's mom.