My Baby is T-W-O!

To: My Little Cub

Oh lowdy...my son is officially the big t-w-o! I remember your birth like it was yesterday; your slimy little self - so fragile, so new. We've come a long way; you and I, in these two years. You're now 33 inches tall and 35 heavy pounds. You are the tallest, yet youngest in your classroom. A big boy. A tall boy.

You are speaking pretty clearly now and have a pretty vast vocabularly. Last night you asked me for apple juice. Earlier today you said "Thank you, mama." So sweet. We have pretty expansive chats now...and arguments. You are still very determined and strong willed. You refused to let me dress you today. We spent 20 minutes arguing. Finally, I asked you to pick out the shirt you wanted to wear. You chose a football shirt. If only I would have known. I could have saved us 20 minutes.

Running, dancing, throwing balls and playing with cars...some of your favorites. You have a great arm and seem to be ambidextrous. We'll see if that sticks. You love The Wiggles and Sesame Street and say Ernie so adorably...."Uny" in that munckin voice I love so much.

You like to say hello and bye-bye to strangers. This summer a few popular songs stuck to you, Rihanna's "Oh nana", Ne-yo's "Hey!", all taught to you by your Titi "Exis".

You know the difference between "mama's car" and "Titi's car". Pure genius! At two. To get you to our car faster I say "Someone's trying to get into our car! We better stop them." And you run as fast as you can to our car yelling "My car! Mama's car!" My little hero.

Quite the charmer and silly toddler you are. I love you so enormously so. My sunshine and my rock. I look forward to growing "old" together. ;)

Loving you so freakin much it overwhelms me at times...

-Mama Bear

Does a kid NEED a father?

I've pondered this topic for a long time, always going back and forth on the answer. While I think it's wonderful and beneficial for a kid to have their father around; to raise them and teach them how to play ball or advise them on the male perspective of things, I don't think kids NEED a father. A father-like figure, yes. But there are many people who can play that role in a kid's life. In my son's case he has lots of "uncles" and wonderful grandfathers, as well as great uncles and even a great grandfather. He HAS male figures and positive male role models in his life, around him, often.

I usually don't let the fact that my son has 1 parent get me down. Usually. But, sometimes the father thing can get to me. The other day, at the local B&N, my son and I were reading (and playing) with books in the children's section. It was a delightful day. We had just come from enjoying a delish dinner with family and were relishing in the fact that it was early enough to visit a bookstore before bed. We sat in the children's section; browsing, running around. When I suddenly came across a book title that read: Why a Boy Needs a Father. I stopped in my tracks and glared at the book. I immediately felt sad and then...angry. Angry that books with these titles exist. Angry that one day my son might come across this same title when he's at reading age and feel the same sad way that I felt when reading this title. I quickly pushed the book to the back of the pile and moved: The Complete Single Mother to the front of the pile. I smiled to myself, feeling a tad bit better, and went back to chasing my little boy around the many aisles of children's books.

Serenity

Mom to Mom

I was on the subway the other day, riding alone = sans child, and noticed a woman struggling to get on with a huge stroller (like one of those super duper jogging strollers) and a gigantic suitcase. Lucky for her, someone (another mom) grabbed her suitcase and helped her get on the subway. She said thank you to the other mom and sighed. She looked tired, worn, beat. I empathized with her. She stretched her back backwards a few times, as if she was in a bit of pain. I'm sure pushing the ginormous stroller and suitcase through the subway station that morning was a pretty intense workout for her, for anyone. After stretching a couple more times, she reached over to the front of the stroller and said to her little girl (probably 1.5 years old), "Give mommy the keys sweetie." The little girl was playing with what appeared to be her house keys. The little girl said no, and pulled the keys further away from her mother's reach. The woman sighed and retreated behind the stroller. She looked up, defeated. I smiled empathetically. I have been there. As the subway approached the next stop the woman stood up taller and tried to gather her belongings. She struggled to push the stroller forward, while wheeling the suitcase from behind her. It was then that I noticed the big, gleaming rock on her left ring finger and paused. Any instinct to "feel sorry" for her evaporated. Yes, I empathized with her. But I didn't need to feel sorry for her.

My Heart

My heart: Sebastian. I love this little person so enormously so. I, or rather, we, have been having a difficult time lately. Separation anxiety. This little face here has been crying his eyes out and yelling "mama!" everytime I leave him. Heartbreaking. Really. An awful feeling for a working mother. I mean, I HAVE to go to work. It's just my munchkin and I. No one else to pay our bills and support us. I have to go. But look at this face. Isn't he the cutest? Wouldn't you try to never leave this little boy's side? ::sigh:: That's how I feel...every day. And yet almost every day, I have to leave him behind while I commute myself right into the city, to work. I had heard that right around the two year mark separation anxiety occurs. And yet, I was extremely surprised when it happened. Sebastian has been in daycare since he was 7 months old. That's more than a year now. And he never cries when I leave him at school. He, since the beginning, would just smile and wave. To suddenly experience him clinging on to my leg for dear life and chanting my name (mama, of course) made me tear up. I started to contemplate quitting work again (like when I came back from maternity leave). What would I have done to pay bills? Well, good question. Guess I didn't get that far in my thought process. But just as surprised as I was to witness Sebastian freak out when I had to leave him at school the past two weeks, I was even more surprised when suddenly both yesterday and today, he did the opposite. He smiled, waved and said "Bye bye, Mama." What? I stopped. I looked around. Was this a trick? Was he letting me go that easily? I smiled back. Said "Bye Baby." Kissed him on the forehead and slowly, quiety, started to walk towards the front door, holding breath, waiting for the sound of  his footsteps behind me. There were none. I reached the front door of the center, turned to peak at him and there he was, sitting contently with his buddies, eating his cheerios. Ok, this is good. Right? Right, I told myself as I walked to the bus stop feeling a mixture of relief and disappointment. Hmmmm.

Sebastian's Mom

I've been thinking a lot lately, about how wonderfully special it is to be Sebastian's mom. Initially, hearing someone refer to me as Sebastian's mom had a weird effect on me. I would immediately long for my old self, the me before being, simply put, knocked up. But something happened this second year as Sebastian's mom. An extremely rewarding feeling of pride now comes over me every time I hear someone say Sebastian's mom. And oddly, the other day at his school, when Izzie's mom (who I have known now for over a year) asked me what my name is, and introduced herself as Lea, I felt a little lopsided, a bit unbalanced. I no longer cared to be April. I no longer cared to know that Izzie's mom was Lea. All that mattered, and all that seems to continue to matter, is being Sebastian's mom. A mom to such a silly, active, happy, eager, bouncy little boy. My love for this little curly-topped boy, who cheered and pointed and bounced around excitedly this a.m. while we strolled through Times Square, is immeasurable. Being Sebastian's mom has become bigger and greater than any duty, job, role, responsiblity, I could ever undertake. This one position, as Sebastian's mom, outdoes everything. I once (or maybe several times) said (pre-baby) "I never want to be known as just someone's mom, I want to be more than that." A fool said those words. A naive girl who had no idea how big and proud an accomplishment being Sebastian's mom would be. So instead of reminiscing and wishing I was that girl again, I'm finally at a place in my single mamahood life where I can honestly say I'm content that I will never be that person again. That I am now, a new, better, wiser, stronger, more experienced person. And I'm so darn happy to be known as Sebastian's mom.

Single Mama Raising a Boy

It's an interesting thing, raising a boy solo, as a girl. I find myself wondering if it's okay that my son mimics me and wants to do things because I do them. For example, I find myself saying things like "Look Bubba, Mama has jeans. Sebastian has jeans." Or "You have cool sneakers like mama's sneakers." These statements seem to work to get him to want to wear his jeans or put his shoes on right then and there. He wants to be like Mama. And why shouldn't he? Right? Right?

This morning my son grabbed my blush brush and started putting bronzer on my face. It was cute, harmless. He was merely copying something he's seen me do every morning before we leave for school/work. He wanted to be helpful. He then grabbed my bracelets and put them on his little arm and held his arms up at waist level so they wouldn't dangle off. Extremely cute. The other day he tried to put my earrings on. They wouldn't stay, obviously, because he doesn't have his ears pierced. I don't mind that my son does these things. I know it's done out of simple curiousity and because this is what he's surrounded by at home, with me; only me. But I do wonder, what happens as he gets older and starts to see more boy-like things from others, from school mates. How will he learn to do "those" types of things well, when I may not be able to teach him (i.e. tie a tie, the rules of football)? Will he be well rounded enough? I do wonder about these things. But I don't dwell too much...or at least I try not to. After all, today after he put on my bronzer and eventually gave me back my bracelets, he ran to get his basketball and started bouncing it and throwing it around the hallway, laughing harmoniously each time it bounced against the air conditioner vent...leaving me standing there thinking "oh yes, I have a boy, alright."

19 Months

To: My Little Cub

20 months you turned on Saturday! Oh my, oh my, oh my. You seem to be passing me by! It's nutty how we adults stay the same but you wee ones spurt and learn a tremendous amount in the interim. Your size 18-24 pants are now extremely short on you. Your size 8 sneakers are snug.

This past month you really mastered jumping and climbing. You can walk up and down stairs pretty well now too. You had a couple of bad falls but you were a trooper. You are getting quite used to picking yourself right back up after a boo-boo. A tough little guy you are. Although, you are quite the dare devil too. That of course frightens me so. This past weekend you flipped your little couch upside down and pushed your little rocking bike over the side and proceeded to climb onto the bike to rock uphill!

You now say:  bubbles, titi, bye, go, cheers, up and down and 1 full sentence: I want that! Of course that would be your first sentence. You are a smart, ardent little one. You yell mama with so much fervor in your voice. It makes my heart smile.

This a.m. I heard you get scolded from the down the hall...followed by the sound of pitter patter rushing closer to me and then there you were hugging my legs. I appreciate that you acknowledge me as your protector...because I am; now and forever.

You can now open and close all the doors in the house with ease! Even the front door. This of course makes me extremely nervous.

A yucky thing you did this month: Dip your toothbrush in the toilet and proceed to brush your teeth! Sorry I didn't catch you in time!

Oh my beautiful boy. Mama loves you so...I thought I would miss the little wee baby you once were but I love you too much to miss anything about the past. I'm filled with so much love and pride today that yesterday doesn't matter. You keep me happy and hopeful about our future; about looking forward to your next big step.

Loving you dearly,

Mama Bear

When Grandma Comes to Visit

My Grandmother that is. Sebastian's Great Grandmother. She is in town from Puerto Rico and staying with us for a week or so. How special is it that my son gets to meet and hang with his Great Grandparents?! (A great thing about having young parents and young grandparents.)

There are several wonderful things about having Grandma over, let me share a few:

1. We get cafe con leche (me) and avena (Sebastian, the upstairs cousins and I) in the am before leaving the house to school and work! Yummy! Nothing like Grandma's good ol' fashioned oatmeal! There is something to her rendition of regular oatmeal that just never tastes the same made by anyone else. After a few days of this, Sebastian began heading straight to the kitchen upon waking up!

2. Our house feels like a full house...with a full family. I like my quiet time and I love my duo but there is something nice to be said about the feeling of a bustling house. It's warm and cozy in a different way. Neither being the better way - just different, nice.

3. There's another person to kiss goodnight before going to bed.

4. My bed is made when I get home from work. I don't know why it is but I am not a making the bed type of person. I'm just not. I make sure the house is always neat and tidy; but making the bed is never on my list. It's just something that doesn't bother me. But it must bother my grandma because everyday this week I've come home to my bed made up.

5. When my son falls and gets a boo-boo - the old school, Puerto Rican remedies come into play and save the day! Tuesday Sebastian fell pretty hard...tripped and hit the side of his forehead. A pretty bad bang. Red, scraped, bruised, bumpy. I thought for sure he'd wear the proof for a couple of weeks. But Grandma rubbed some butter and salt on the boo-boo and by the following day it was almost gone! Old wives tale maybe, but today, 4 days later, there is no sign of his boo-boo!

You have to love familia!

That Sunday Kind of Love

Sunday my munchkin and I went to Gymboree. It was a perfect day. The sun was out and shining bright. Sebastian and I were up early and in good spirits. We dressed in our comfy, cas, Sunday wear (Him in windbreaker pants and a Knicks T; Me in black leggings and a long sleeve T.) We had our sneakers on, our bag packed with snacks and a couple of cars and off we went to try a new Gymboree location in Jersey City. 

We found parking around the corner and right in front of a bakery and toy shop. It turned out to be a small class of 3, so Sebastian had the chance to run and explore as much as possible in the playspace. He climbed, he jumped, he rocked, he played basketball and climbed through the tunnels. This of course meant: I climbed, I jumped, I rocked, I played basketball and helped my munchkin climb through tunnels. It was an active morning! And it felt great!

We left the class, hand in hand and walked over to the bakery and toy shop. I couldn't resist. We walked around and I immediately wished I could buy everything in the store. Sebastian must have wished for the same thing because he immediately ran over to a little munchkin size shopping cart and starting putting trucks and cars into the cart! (Do I need to tell you that it wasn't easy getting Sebastian to leave the toy shop?) A couple of cries, a few kicks and we managed to leave the toy shop without having to file bankrupcy. We went into the bakery for some after breakfast snacks and sat outside at one of their cafe tables, sipping a latte (me) and eating yogurt (Seb), while we waved and said hello to a nearby dog. Ahhh. A nice, simple, Sunday afternoon, at an outdoor cafe with my munchkin.

We arrived home just in time for nap time with me feeling proud and accomplished. I was proud of our little duo. We make a good team, my son and I; making me happier than mere words can describe. :)

18 Months

To: My Little Cub

Oh, my dear little munchkin, you are growing way too rapidly! You turned 19 months last week! 5 months away from the big t-w-o. It gives me goose bumps just thinking about it.

This was definitely a milestone month. 18 months is an apparent mark in cognitive development and understanding. You really know things and can figure things out so easily. (You can reach the door handles and open doors! Trouble!) You're officially not an infant, but a tot! You look and act like a little boy. I'm sad to say goodbye to the little baby I was introduced to, that shocking, surprising fall day in 2009. But I'm so happy to welcome such a smart, mature, little munchkin into this life of mine. I'm excited for us; for all that's in-store.

This month you started saying more words...up, down, papa (for grandpa), nene (for Nael), car, vroom, bobo, dog...added to your ball, hello, uh oh, oh no, mama, dada. I just love hearing your little squeaky voice. And hearing you call me "mama" when I enter a room. Love, love, love this. 

At our doctor's appointment a few weeks ago you measured 33.5 inches tall and 29.5 pounds. You're in the 95 percentile for height and weight. A big boy. Tall. Solid. You are officially half of my height. A kid. My kid.

We took family portraits this past weekend. You and I. Our little family. I love to repeat that. To call you and I, a family. Because we are one. We don't have to be 3 + to be a family.  The 2 is good enough; is good as is; is a nice, even number. 

We had a sweet, silly weekend, this past one. Running around, laughing. Lots of laughing. We are a silly pair, a silly family.  Your father would be happy to know this...that we remained a silly bunch, despite our heartache. I owe that to you my little cub. You make laughing easy. ;) 

Loving you tremendously,

Mama Bear

Toddlers as Conversation Starters

Sebastian and I are back from Miami. It's bittersweet to be home. We had a great time in South Beach, splashing around at the beach and running through the sand, but glad that Sebastian is back to his regular sleeping schedule and eating habits. No more staying up late on school nights for awhile.

But I noticed an odd thing while traveling and staying hotel bound for a few days. Maybe it's the cuteness of my particular kid (heehee) or maybe it's that a kid (in general) is a good conversation starter. But either way, I have to say that Sebastian and I seemed to beckon random attention from random strangers. Mostly men. Who knew?

It started shortly after arriving to La Guardia for our departing flight. In line, at the Duncan Donuts, a tall man began talking to Sebastian about his Hot Wheels. He literally bent down and started a (one-sided) conversation with my little guy. I smiled  politely but a bit uncomfortably. I proceeded to order my cappuccino and subtly pushed Sebastian's stroller out of the man's direct line of sight.

"Your son is adorable." The man suddenly said. "How old is he?"   

"Thanks. He's 18  months." I responded to the man and then directed my attention to my son. "Here we go Bubba, time for our flight."

I smiled politely at the man, wished him a good day and quickly headed toward the security check. Whew: A quick and easy out.

A few minutes later at security, the fellow checking my ID smiled and said hello to Sebastian. I smiled back, he smiled at me. We walked on toward the check point eventually coming to a security attendent who stopped in front of Sebastian and started talking to him about his "bobo" (aka pacifier).

"Oh, you don't need that bobo little guy. You're too big for that."

I attempted to smile politely although this is one subject I'm not too keen on having with strangers. The security looked at me and started telling me about his son who is now a teenager. I managed to be polite while keeping my responses short and eventually made my way through the security check and off to my gate.

Once inside the plane and *comfortably seated, Sebastian and I sat and waited for the plane to fill up. All the while I kept my fingers crossed as I hoped that the seat beside us, in the center of our row, would remain empty. A few minutes later I discovered we had no such luck as a guy who looked to be in his 20's stopped in front of our row to put his bag in the overhead compartment and squished into the seat next to us. Darn. I silently prayed that he liked kids while I entertained Sebastian with the tiny window that was overlooking the plane's right wing.

Shortly into the flight, Sebastian dropped his car into the gentleman's lap. Oops.

"Here you go, little guy." The guy said and smiled. 

"Sorry." I said.

"You're good." The guy replied. Whew. He seemed to like kids.

We did end up having a conversation, the stranger next to us, and I, most of which consisted of talk about my kid or kids in general. The flight ended with Sebastian's feet touching our new friend's leg and my coffee on the stranger's tray. (You have to love the closenses of these darn airline seats.) But with a "Nice meeting you" and an exchange of FB names, Sebastian and I were off on our adventure in MIA.

Once at our hotel and seated at the hotel restaurant for brunch, another conversation was started about my son and his magical curls by the waiter/GM of the hotel. Interesting. Has my son really  become the way to every strangers heart? Hmmm.

*there's really only so much you can do to get comfortable in a tight airplaine seat with your 30 pound, 33.5 inch toddler on your lap.

We are off to Miami...

We are off to Miami this weekend and part of next week. I'm so excited to be getting away and to finally (after 3 months of coat wearing) get a chance to wear a few sundresses! Of course my little guy will be dressed in some cool summer outfits as well. We've spent the past 2 months prepping for this 5 day trip. (I know, it sounds silly, but it's true!) Sebastian has a new spring/summer wardrobe a la plaid shorts and pastel colored Ts. Oooh. I can't wait to dress him up! I'm getting excited just picturing his little spirally self looking all cute and hip. (Do I need to say how much I love shopping for and dressing up my boy? heehee)

Along with our new, revamped wardrobes, we have some must take travel items as well: cars and trucks! Yes, a handful of Sebastian's little cars and trucks will be making the trip to Miami with us. With this new obsession for little vehicles having recently surfaced, we can no longer leave the house with less than 2 Hot Wheels or Little People cars. Is he his father's son or what? Today, on the way to school, he kept looking down at his little navy sweater with a red race car painted on the front, smiling and saying "vroom, vroom!" I am loving these new little stages of awareness. It's the cutest. :)

And so, in less than 24 hours, Sebastian and I will be vroom, vrooming in the air, en route to some sun, sand, and warm salty water! Yay!

When Your Child Has A Meltdown: And So Do You

My son tends to flip out pretty easily. I'm not quite sure why this is so. But it is. And he does. He has a pretty easygoing personality and is typically very mellow. However, every now and again he loses it and really flips. I'm finding as he gets older, the meltdowns are more dramatic. And I can't lie - they scare me. I've been fortunate so far that the meltdowns tend to occur only at home, when it's usually just he and I. It usually happens during dinner time and is usually because of something food related (although he can get pretty upset playing with toys (i.e. when he can't figure them out)). Last week it was because I gave him pizza with mushrooms. Turns out he doesn't like mushrooms (anymore). He grabbed his slice of pizza, while sitting in his high chair, tasted a mushroom, started to scream and cry (yes, there were tears involved) and threw the pizza across the room. A few weeks back it was because he wanted a donut from a box on the counter, which I had no idea he knew was there. He screamed, cried, threw himself on the floor and didn't stop until he had a donut in his hand. And even then, he was out of breath from the crying and it took him a few minutes to "calm down." Last night, as I attempted to serve him dinner (pasta with marinera sauce) he suddenly flipped out - threw the bowl and the spoon across the room and started screaming and crying and flailing his arms at me. I didn't know what to do. I tried to tell him it was okay. I tried to guess what had triggered this episode. I couldn't. I didn't know. I held him tight and just hugged him, all the while repeating "It's okay, it's okay." The crying and screaming continued. I finally found his pacifier nearby and that seemed to calm him. We sat there on the couch near his highchair, me hugging him tightly, rocking him while he worked on catching his breath and suddenly I had a meltdown. I couldn't help the tears from trickling down my face. So there I sat, sobbing. I felt helpless. My son was upset because he wanted something; something I couldn't figure out. He was bothered by something that I just didn't get. Something I missed. I hate that I can't help him at every difficult moment. I hate that I don't always understand him and know what he is trying to tell or show me. I hate that these moments take place; where my son is distraught and I am incapable of reading his little mind and making his distress go away.

Moms

There is this interesting yet weird dynamic between moms of kids that attend the same daycare. I noticed it those first weeks when Sebastian started daycare. Although, I couldn't put my finger on it at first. But there is an unspoken mom code. An ambiguous bond between moms...or parents for that matter. I don't have to be asked to look out for another mom's child. But I do. I watch, I pay attention, I notice. We look out for eachother in that sense without having to be told to. I guess because we want the same in return. Someone to have our back too and let us know if something is awry at the center or with our child(ren). And now that my son has been at his daycare for a year, I have come to "know" the other moms and dads that drop off their kids in his classroom. Niceties and pleasantries are often exchanged. Chit chat about our kids; how well they play together, how they got upset when one was on vacation, apologies when our child is responsible for hurting another, etc. But there is an oddness about it. About the fact that no one knows eachother by name.  That we only know eachother in this world. This world of signing in your kid, hanging his bag on his cubby hook, putting his ready made lunch in the fridge, setting up his breakfast, sharing toys with other kids and asking about diapers and naps. An oddness about the fact that outside of being (i.e. Sebastian's) "mom" we don't exist to eachother and don't even know one another's name. This morning for example, on the bus to the city, I noticed Izzie's mom was sitting in the seat in front of me and Tyler's mom was sitting in the row across from me. I looked at them, one reading a newspaper, the other checking email on her iphone, and almost said hello. Almost. But took out my book instead and decided, like them, I needed to take advantage of this 20 minute commute to work. After all, for us moms, this might very well be the only 20 minutes out of the day we get for down time. Instead of attempting a conversation, I joined in on the "me" time, read my book and enjoyed every second of that 20 minute commute where I wasn't Sebastian's mom but April...reading a book on the way to work.

17 Months

Dear My Little Cub,

Wow. You are officially 18 months old now. You sprinted right through that 17th month. This was a month filled with lots of fun and playdates. You weren't sick (thank goodness) and got to enjoy time with friends (our playdate with Ella and Jack, with E at Chuck E Cheese, with Julianna and Leah in LI, with Sophia at McDonalds, with Archer and Julianna at Woodbury Commons).

We did hit a major milestone this month. You graduated from the nursery to the toddler room at school. A whole 5 weeks early. You are now the youngest kid in the toddler room. But no one would ever be able to guess that. You are just as fast and wise as the others. I did raise an eyebrow though the first day I picked you up from the toddler room to find you playing with dolls and the next day playing with a tea set. But found a little relief in the fact that the following week you were pushing trucks around instead. So many new toys in the toddler room. Exciting times for you ahead.

Still not much talking going on but you understand everything. And I do mean everything. You are also very good at helping out and putting things away. Although, you are still really good at making messes too. You know where your hair, your nose, eyes, mouth and tummy are. You know who mama is and even who dada is. You try to put your shoes and socks on but still need help. You like to say "no, no, no" in your little munchkin voice that I love so much. I still can't seem to conjure up the strength to get you sleeping in your own bed. I can't help that I love cuddling up next to you at night and smelling your milky, baby skin. You are the sweetest most precious being that I have ever encountered. You have the most amazing giggle that sounds better than any music my hears have heard. You are so magical in every sense. I love you more each moment that passes...

Love,
Mama Bear

Growing up...

I know - they grow up. Infants. Babies. Toddlers. Kids. I know this. I expected this. But why am I having such a hard time with the fact that my little munchkin is starting in the big boy room at school tomorrow. He will no longer be in the baby room. No more crib. I'm a bit numb. Dumbfounded even. I just can't believe 17 + months have passed. I mean my little guy still wears footie pajamas. Doesn't that count for something? Doesn't that mean that he's still a baby? Un bebe? sigh. Just having a hard time with this one. Even though I know that come tomorrow he will be having a ball in the big boy room. Playing with all the new toys. Making new friends. I know this. But it's not him - it's me. It's all me. The mama having a hard time letting bits and pieces of the baby...go.

Single-parent households: Are they that bad?

I was at a volunteer arts day yesterday working on art projects with kids between 8-10 years old. The coordinator said something during the introduction to the volunteers that struck a chord with me. It was something along the lines of "these kids don't get to do stuff like this everyday - many come from single-parent households". Now, I do understand that often times in a single-parent household the mother works and doesn't usually have as much time to spend working on random projects and activities with the kid(s) compared to say a stay at home mom. But, why the constant stereotype that says: if a kid is raised by a single-parent they are worse off? What about the two-parent households that have two working parents? Or where there are other problems taking place? Aren't those worse off? Yes, I work Monday - Friday which means my son spends about 9 hours at daycare everyday. Yes, I wish I had more time during the week to play with him and work on "art" projects. BUT I do have evenings and weekends. And I do spend time playing with paint and crayons, taking my son to museums and play areas, reading to him, talking to him, teaching him. I really don't think we spend less time on these things compared to other families. I know raising a kid in a single-parent household is not ideal, I get that - I know the struggle. But it really isn't the worse thing that could happen. It doesn't mean that my son is at a disadvantage. Yes, it could mean that, but it doesn't have to. And in the case of my son and I - it is not the case. My son has family other than myself, grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles. He has many people to spend time teaching him things and working on projects with him. I really hope he is not seen as a kid with a disadvantage or that people feel sorry for him. Because despite, not having his father around, my son is a very lucky boy and will not go without. My little boy will have lots of time to spend working on art projects. Unless, of course, he decides playing sports or singing is a lot more fun....(I could have given birth to the next Kobe or Ne-yo!).  ;)

Two Faces in One

Driving Sebastian to daycare this morning. Listening to Goapale. Lost in thought. Trying to find a parking space. Thinking I should have left the car at home and strolled us to school this particular morning. I look in the rearview mirror to see what Sebastian is up to in the back seat. I see his little head bobbing to the music and his little face grinning wide at me. I immediately start laughing. He starts laughing. But my laughter is cut short as tears begin streaming down my cheek, for suddenly I see Michael's face smiling and staring back at me and not Sebastian's. I'm caught off guard. I wasn't expecting to see two faces in one right then, to see Michael's face looking back at me right at that moment. Sebastian's face....Michael's face. Two faces in one. Sebastian continues to smile and giggle. I try to pretend my laughter never changed into cries. I smile back. I turn up the volume and watch my son's little spirally curls bounce around. I take a deep breath and decide we will park the car back at home and walk to school today. We, or rather I, need the fresh air.

Valentine's Day

My sweetest Valentine: Sebastian was extremely giddy and silly last night before bed. I think it was due to the sugar he devoured via a little, pink, Crumbs cupcake after dinner. Or it could have been his content over having received a balloon at school today. Either way, he was in a silly mood. We cuddled and read our special "love" edition books before bedtime - I Love You From Your Head to Your Toes & I'll Love You Forever. Then Sebastian got extremely silly and started giggling uncontrollably. The sweetest sound. And as sleep started to take way, he layed his little body on top of my chest and wrapped his little, slender arms around my neck and gave me the biggest hug. The SWEETEST feeling. What a magical moment. He hugged me tight while drifting off to sleep and occasionally I'd hear a little giggle from his sleeping self. I smiled. What a perfect little Valentine. :)

The wonderful snapshots in my head...

Sometimes I really wish the poloroid in my head would print out the amazing snapshots that I often capture. Like Saturday when I was making breakfast and turned to find my little guy dancing "like no one was watching" to The Mickey Mouse Club. Or a little later in the day when he was sitting on his playmat playing with one of his many interactive toys (throwing balls down a shoop) and suddenly wore a look of amusement when he figured the toy out. Or when I arrived at his school yesterday to see him happily running around with friends and light up as soon as he saw me walk in, as his fast little steps rushed over to me. Or today for instance, when I turned to walk out of his "classroom" and get one more look. He was sitting at the table, legs dangling, golden curls all over the place with a few spirals landing above his eyes, smiling giddily as he fed himsef breakfast with his little green spoon in his right hand and half a banana in his left hand. He excitedly managed to land the spoon full of oatmeal into his mouth and smiled proudly. I smiled back, extremely proud, waved and watched as he waved back with his little spoon in his hand and his mouth full of food. It was such a momentous image. One I kept at the forefront during my entire commute to work, wishing I could print it and share that exact moment and the pride that ensued.

16 Months

To: My Little Cub

I can't believe a week from today you will be 17 months old. Wow. Already? I can't believe when we measured you this morning that your little head reached the 33 inches mark. Your size 7 shoes seemed snug this morning. Your fall sweaters are now too short on the arms and waist. When did all this happen? You found your first Jordans yesterday, in your closet. I couldn't believe how tiny they were. Half the size of your current shoes. Were your feet ever really that small?! I no longer remember the days when your hands were curled into little fists. When did they change? You woke up in the middle of the night the other day and reached for me. You touched my face and layed your little head on my neck. I love that you are now capable of so much. That your affection is out of choice. My sweet little boy. Today you sat on the toilet (with the lid down) brushing your teeth, while I brushed mine at the sink. You sat there, with your legs dangling down, sucking on your toothbrush. I loved the way you smiled at me because you were happy that you had your own little brush. (Even though I had to re-brush them myself a few minutes later to make sure they were cleaned.) You now have almost a full mouth of teeth! Last count was 12! Molars and all. Now you can chomp, chomp, chomp. Although, you are still such a picky eater when it comes to the stuff you should be chomping. Sweets are your food/snack of choice. Your latest favs are: cookies, Cheerios (when Kix isn't an option), Teddy Grahams, peanut butter on multi-grain bread, blueberries, yogurt, brown rice with applesauce and black beans with rice (on most days). Last month you loved bananas and oranges but that seems to be a fad of the latter month. You no longer eat baby food - does this mean you are no longer a baby?! Ay. So many changes. You love to wear your winter boots, even if it means wearing them in the house. And you love your red, puffy winter coat from your godfather. Your favorite outift seems to be your fuzzy footie pjs. You LOVE these and will grab a pair from the hamper if you see one. You have a strange sock fetish that I don't quite get. If you see a pair laying around (yours or mine) you will immediately grab and walk around the house holding them close to you. Silly little guy. You don't like TV or cartoons much but will stop every now and then for your old time favs: Classical Baby, The Wiggles and your new fav: Mickey Mouse Club. You love music and to dance (it's in the genes). It's been about two months since you started crawling on and off my bed and silly me I thought it meant that you had skipped the phase of potentially falling off the bed since you can so easily get yourself off now. Wrong. Today, for the first time, you fell off the bed. :(  You cried for about two minutes while I held you close. I felt awful. It was my fault. I should have known better. But ultimately, you were okay. Just a little shaken up. No bumps, no bruises. Whew. I realized this morning while we were getting ready to leave that you can easily reach the window blinds & door knobs. A new set of safety locks need to be installed. Friday, I discovered you were able to reach the oven knobs (uh oh!). And yesterday I realized you can now reach things on the counter that are pushed away from the edge, maybe two inches back. It's funny to me how you quickly learned how to stretch, stretch and streeeetch those arms to get to what you want. I used to be able to leave you in the bed drinking your bottle while I shower. No longer the case. You now come running into the bathroom and play peek-a-boo with the shower curtain when I shower. (My already short showers have been cut to 2 minutes.) You thought it was silly this morning when I couldn't get my turtleneck over my head and made a ridiculous face while I pulled it over. You laughed and thought I meant to look funny. lol. Last week, we fell on a mountain of snow while trying to get to daycare. We laughed then too. You and I, cracking up, while we struggled to get up and regain our balance. I love that we can laugh at the silliest and yet not so silly moments. ;)

Can't wait to see what new discoveries are made this month...

Love,
Mama Bear

My Sunshine and Me

"What do you see when you look at this picture? I see love, fun, teamwork, happiness. [Months back] a picture like this, happy as it is, would have made me sad. I would have seen sadness, loss, something missing. Unexpectedly, I am finally able to see what is there instead of always focusing on what or who is not. It's huge. It also happened without me noticing the subtle difference." Michelle Dippel

A part of both of us...

It's amazing how babies end up taking on personality traits from both their parents. How they can be both of us is really quite fascinating to me. Two people in one tiny body. My son has shown that he is definitely the best of both his father and I. He has his father's silliness and easy going manner. His mother's stubborness and determination. His father's smiles and his mother's frowns. Both of his parents' love of people and parties. His father's appetite for food but his mother's sweet tooth. His father's feet but his mother's eyes. Amazing, I tell you. And interesting, to say the least. I can't wait to see what more I will discover about this little person. What other traits he'll come to show as he gets older. As it is, I find it hilarious that my son already insists on picking out his own clothes in the mornings when we get ready for school. Sometimes he wins (today he wanted to wear his Tims over his snowboots - okay, he got that one) and sometimes he loses (last week he wanted to wear his pjs to school - wasn't going to happen). I love that he is so strong willed even though it drives me nuts at times (i.e. when he wants to eat cookies for dinner) and am glad that he stands his ground when he is sure of what he wants. I think this is a good trait to have later on in life, even though yes as his mother it means some battles ahead. It's okay though. I'm ready and am learning which battles are worth fighting over. Looking forward to what's in store for me as my little guy becomes more and more independent, wiser and stronger.

New Year's Resolutions 2011

Every year I rattle off a few of the usual, standard resolutions that are typically on the top of most people's lists. As a mom, a single mom, I find that, albeit different I may now be, the top of my list still reads the same as it always has:

#1 Save money. I am in a constant battle with myself to find ways to stretch my dollars and yet live a comfortable, convenient, easy as can be requested lifestyle, which means spending $. Sadly, being thrifty and living comfortable seem to be two parallel worlds. I can't get them to cross paths. BUT this year, at the top of my list will remain "Save money" and I will do my darnest to order less lattes and pack more lunches.

#2 Eat better. I don't remember a day in my life when I didn't concern myself with my diet and weight. It's been an obsession for way too long. I stressed it less than ever last year, given I was just back from maternity leave and actually felt proud of where I was with myself - bodywise. But this year, while not as stressed about it as I was pre-baby, I am keeping it on my list. Drink water, turn down sweets. Let's see if I can at least do that...well right after I finish the last of this bag of M&Ms... 

# 3 Start a routine that incorporates exercise. Pre-baby and even during my pregnancy I was all about exercising. I lived to work out. I loved my kickboxing and pilates classes up until the day I went into labor. Now, finding the time for this is tough. But it can be done. It has to be done. So, my first attempt toward this goal is hooking up my new Wii and putting in my new dance games! Healthy, fit me, here I come.

#4 Find some me time in the craziness that is my single mama life. Stealing an hour here and there when someone is able to keep an eye on Sebastian, to get my hair did or get a good, much needed massage will be good for me, will be great for me.

#5 Keep it simple and take time to enjoy the present. Stress less, worry less, plan less. Spend more time at home, with nothing planned. Realize it's okay not to have everything planned out and remember that life is unpredictable no matter how we spin it.

What are your new year's resoluations? Anyone have anything ultra exciting or surprising on their list? Share!

"Snowed In" Intentionally

After a week of traveling and having our routine all out of wack, Sebastian and I were due for some much needed down time. And so this past weekend I decided to declare us "snowed in". We spent the entire weekend at home, in pjs. It was wonderful! It was cold and snowy out, we were warm and cozy inside. We played with new Christmas toys, read books, watched Elmo and the Wiggles, ate whole wheat pancakes with peanut butter for breakfast (his new fav), painted, played catch with his new basketball, put CDs in his toy CD player (over and over and over), played parachute and peek-a-boo with the laundry and went upstairs to visit our neighbors (Titi and cousins) for dinner. It was perfect. We spent a lot of time acting silly and as always my little boy's smiles were priceless. Truly, enjoyable moments. And during his nap time I actually got to enjoy a movie while getting his baby books sorted and in order (an on-going project). I felt productive, yet relaxed. Nice, calm time, with nowhere to be. It was a great weekend with my little guy.

And he said....

Can you guess what my little boy said when he saw this view?

Did you guess it?

It



was



o-cean!

See, I told you he was a genius!   ;)

Traveling with a Baby or Toddler

Is traveling with an infant or toddler ever easy? Does anyone have any tips as to how to make it an easier, more enjoyable time for both mama and baby? Here's what I usually do/pack:

1) I still use my Beco carrier and I make sure to have it on when traveling. I stroll Sebastian in his Maclaren (easy to fold stroller) while at the airport but during security and while boarding and taking off I keep him in the carrier.

2) I carry 1 bag - a big diaper bag with everything in it, including my things. Everything else gets checked in.

3) I pack lots of snacks - banana, yogurt, spinach puffs, Sesame Street cookies, squeezable babyfood pouches, tangerine, milk and juice boxes with a sippy straw.

4) I make sure to have many different toys/things to keep him (and I) busy while on the flight. A portable DVD player and the Wiggles and Elmo DVD is a must. But we also carry little cars, rattles, books and of course his lullaby music/book. And a book for mama.

5) Lastly, we'd never go anywhere without his blankie and pacifier!

But of course, with all that, there always seems to be a moment when not the toys or the snacks can keep me him occupied and he suddenly wants to run free and/or gets cranky and suddenly starts whining and kicks the chair of the person in front of us or grabs someone's hair from the row in front of us (yes, that has happened!). I'm left wondering what else I can potentially do/bring to make our next trip (because there has to be a next trip) more pleasant. Open to ideas.

Back to Daycare

I was extremely worried about leaving my son at daycare this morning. He has been with me for 10 days straight without "school" so I thought for sure he'd have a hard time staying at school today and cry when I left. To my surprise, he ran in smiling and went straight to hug his teachers! He seemed to have really missed everyone. As I left, I said goodbye, one last time and made sure he was still okay - of course he was. He didn't even give me a second look. It was a good, yet unsettling feeling. I am happy that he likes his school so much but I guess I was also a little bit disappointed that he didn't want to spend more time with me.  I guess we were both due for a little break. It did make my first day back at work easier, since I didn't have to worry about how he was doing. (I called a couple of times to check on him and they assured me that he was fine - running around and playing with his buddies.) That's my little boy. ;)

The Happiest Place on Earth...

Well, that is until your kid has a trantrum. Last Thursday as part of our Christmas with our family in LA, we spent a day at yep, you guessed it - Disneyland! It was a day of fun, family and shall I say it? Chaos. It turned out that everyone else in So Cal, or everyone in the world visiting So Cal, decided they too should be at the Happiest Place on Earth. Needless to say, the park was CROWDED. But we still managed to get on a few rides and Sebastian and his cousins, 2 & 4, were able to enjoy a ride on Peter Pan, Dumbo, The Choo-Choo Train and the Carousel. Of course, that was until the ride ended. At which time (yes, every time) Sebastian had a fit and wanted to stay on the ride. How do you explain to a 15 month old that he has to get back on line in order to ride again? You don't. Thus, the tantrum ensued. Let's just say that after those four rides, I threw in the towel and decided Sebastian would have to watch the rides from afar. There was no way I was going to repeatedly expereince what became the tantrum aftermath of each ride. I kept hearing a phrase my mom often told us when we were kids, repeating itself in my mind, "You kids are never satisfied." And finally at 31, I understood what she meant all those years. Go figure. But all in all, Disneyland was a huge success and Sebastian LOVED the lights, colors and being with family...okay, maybe that last one was what I loved most about the day. :)

Breakfast with Santa

Last week was Breakfast with Santa at Sebastian's school (aka daycare). I took the morning off so I could be there with him. I have to say, I was very excited about it. There's something about re-experiencing all these little traditions that I really enjoy. Sebastian at his age doesn't really get it but that's okay, he will soon. Maybe next year. But this year, what he does get is the excitement of the lights and colors everywhere. He seems to love Christmas trees. (Yay, because I do too.) Although, he doesn't seem to like Santa very much. He wouldn't go near the guy. I guess I wouldn't either if I was looking at Santa from a toddler's vantage point. A big, burly guy with a white beard in a red, fluffly outfit. Hmmm. Who invented this outfit anyway? Better yet, who is his stylist? I'm sure there's a book out there I've missed that explains this look. Something else to research and add to my increasingly growing To-Do list.

But back to Sebastian's Breakfast with Santa...a quick synopsis:
The kids all got seated around a long rectangular table where the older kids ate a breakfast of eggs and pancakes. The younger ones (Sebastian's class) sat along the wall, around the older kids looking around with their eyes bright and full of interest. What was all the excitement and noise about? They seemed to ask. Sebastian sat in his little chair with his legs dangling off the edge and smiled across the room at me. I, of course, was snapping pictures. (Any chance for a photo opp!) Christmas carols played in the background as Santa Clause made his big entrance. Whoah! Some of the older kids exclaimed. Sebastian and his two BFFs, Izzie and Morgan, looked a bit frightened. Santa said hello to all and then sat in front of the tree for photos and story telling. The kids gathered about. Sebastian and his group, stayed put. They did not want to go near the guy.  Presents were soon distributed from Santa's big, brown bag. The older kids yelled in excitement. As soon as Sebastian noticed gifts nearby, he attempted to open them. It wasn't that he wanted to take the other kids' gifts, it's that he loves wrapping paper and boxes and wanted to help out (and maybe take some wrapping paper home). A few kids, grabbed their gifts from him. Sebastian looked confused. I whispered to him that it was okay, his gift was coming. Alas, the third to last gift that came out of the big, brown bag was Sebastian's. And a big, wrapped box it was. He tried to pull the wrapping apart but it was suddenly time for his picture with Santa. He started grabbing onto me for dear life and wouldn't let me put him anywhere near Santa. Oh well. I took him back to his present and he went back to pulling the paper off. Maybe next year we'd get some good pics with Santa. This year it simply wasn't going to happen. ::shoulder shrug:: After all the presents were opened, Santa said farewell and a "Hohoho" and off he went. The kids all walked in a single file line back to their classrooms. I made sure my little man was settled in, playing with his buddies and then gave him a kiss good bye, and off to work I went...smiling and thinking: Wow, my little munchkin is getting so big...

Did anyone else have breakfast or pictures with Santa?